life throws you strawberries most times......3

          Kak Gie called me on Monday. Talked about Selangor state government's "ibu tunggal" programme. Yours truly listened halfheartedly. Anyway, it culminated in her sending the form over the next day. I didn't know about this until she called me on Tuesday evening. I was a little under the weather and had spent the day sleeping so I hadn't ventured to the main house.
         Kak Gie called me again on Tuesday night to check if I had filled in the form. I had. But I hadn't looked for my divorce papers then. I had to think where it could be. It's not a document I've had to use even once since I got it! And I got it a looong time ago. Which brings this to mind - why don't the authorities give us a divorce card as well? Something we could carry in our purse alongside our myKad, driver's licence etc.
         I found the papers in a file on my bookshelf. [For a moment, I thought maybe it got burnt along with my diploma etc when my daughter's rental place suffered a short circuit a few years back]. I looked at it - my second look after all this time. The document that formalised the end of a big phase of my life. I smiled at the memories. Grateful that I'm not bitter. Thankful that our daughters turned out pretty "balanced" despite coming from a broken marriage. Relieved that we could still sit across a table and converse peacefully.
          Kak Gie had mentioned that she would need help at the "ibu tunggal and wargamas jom shopping" bash at Giant on Wednesday. And she insisted that I should bring over my form when I said okay to helping out.
          So there I was yesterday, with my current housemate, at Giant, Taman Pertama. A little sluggish from my sinus. We helped prepare the tags. Easy work really. Once done, I went off to get a drink while awaiting further instructions. In the interim, I helped direct some folks to the proper counters and with their queries.
          I had prepared a shopping list last weekend and this seemed like a good opportunity to get my shopping done too. Guess what? Allah had other plans for me. Kak Gie enquired if I had my form ready. I nodded. She told me that they accept on the spot registrations.
          And RM100 of my shopping was subsidised! Got a free lunch too - courtesy of my housemate. All because I said yes to helping out a dear friend.
           Yup! Life throws us strawberries most times........
         

The flip side of being covered....

          Kita selalu sangat dengar tentang kisah orang yang berhijrah ni menjadi mereka yang gemar sangat menghukum, memandang serong kepada yang tidak berhijab dan sebagainya. Okay, disini saya nak bercerita tentang diri saya yang di"hukum" gara-gara berhijab ni. Tapi bukan kisah sedih pun.....
          Oleh kerana saya ni rocker, hisap rokok, extrovert, dan dianggap weird, hidup menjadi sangat kelakar bila saya berhijrah.
          "Ya Allah, Ijan! Is that really you??!!", adalah respon yang paling selalu saya terima. Sampai sekarang pun bila terserempak dengan kawan-kawan yang dah berkurun tak jumpa. Terasa macam saya ni tiba-tiba dah jadi holy pada mata mereka. Kenapa dia orang ni terperanjat beruk? Sebab saya ni sekali aja pakai hijab tanpa abaya [jubah kata kita kat sini]. Tiba-tiba orang tengok Ijan yang overnight pakai jubah, tudung labuh, stokin kaki, stokin tangan. Mereka hampir pengsan. Minah yang uniformnya jeans and tee, yang selalunya selekeh santai aja, tiba-tiba transform jadi ala-ala muslimah sejati! Dan ramai diantara makhluk-makhluk Allah ni yang expect saya berperangai seperti tokoh-tokoh muslimah tegar. Aduhaiiiii........
          Maka bermulalah sesi saya di"hukum"..........

~~~"You mean you're still smoking? You kan dah berjubah". Huh?? Ingat senang ke nak berhenti merokok?? Jadi bila saya kata, "Have you stopped eating rice?", kepada mereka-mereka yang cuba ber-diet tu, depa jegil mata kat saya. Depa jawab, "Gila you!". Saya jawab, "Ditto", dengan senyuman paling manis, paling menawan.
~~~"Eh you tak pergi sembahyang terawih [kat masjid/surau]? Kan you dah ber-jubah". Huh?? Cubalah kata bila solat kat masjid/surau tu dapat dengar tazkirah ke. Dapat dengar qari baca Quran dengan merdu sekali ke. Kira dapat bermacam-macam benefit lah. Masa saya tak "pakai tudung" dulu, takde pulak depa terperanjat saya solat terawih kat rumah aja.
~~~"You dah join tabligh ke?" - ini soalan cepumas! Sebab saya suka pakai serba hitam. Actually masa zaman rugged santai dulu pun, saya memang selalu pakai baju warna hitam. Memang favourite colour pun. Takde pulak orang tegur kata saya "Gothic" ke, "Black metal" ke......
~~~"You sekarang sure tak nak join kita orang lagi kan". Ini biasa sangat saya dengar. Macamlah tiba-tiba saya ni hilang selera nak pergi makan dengan dia orang. Macam saya tiba-tiba tak suka nak dengar cerita-cerita dia orang. Macam saya akan censor percakapan dia orang dengan mengeluarkan nas dan dalil. Alahaiiii......depa ingat saya ni dok membilang biji tasbih sepanjang hari ke? Atau dah hafal kitab Al-Uum Imam Shafi'i ke?
~~~"You ni semenjak berhijrah ni asyik duduk rumah aja. Susah sangat nak ajak pergi mana-mana". Mak aiii....memang sejak azali pun saya ni memang senang keluar dengan orang-orang yang saya rapat aja. Kalau tak rapat tu, memang susah sikit. Dan saya ikut instinct saya - jika rasa tak sedap hati, jangan haraplah saya nak keluar dengan orang tu. Cakaplah apa pun!
~~~Tapi yang paling parah ialah bila segala yang keluar dari mulut saya, banyak yang disalahertikan sebagai menghukum mereka. Walhal saya hanya membuat observation yang memang saya suka buat pun bila saya terfikir sesuatu semasa/selepas membaca buku, menonton filem/drama, melihat manusia sekeliling dll. Totally innocent takde agenda pun. Yang memang dah berdekad menjadi tabiat saya.

          Tulus ikhlas saya katakan bahawa saya ni biasa-biasa aja. Yang tetap sering merasa begitu beratnya nak "amar ma'ruf nahi mungkar". Yang tercungap-cungap nak cuba jadi sempurna. Yang selalu juga tersasar, terbabas, tergolek, terguling. Yang merasa menukar cara berpakaian tu adalah yang paling mudah sekali untuk saya buat masa ni. Sebab saya tahu saya serba kekurangan. Tak mampu nak solat sunat berpuluh rakaat setiap hari. Tak mampu nak khatam Quran setiap dua minggu. Tak mampu nak pergi kuliah lima kali seminggu. Tak mampu nak berzikir beribu-ribu setiap hari. Tak mampu nak baca buku-buku agama saban hari. Pendek kata, banyak bendalah yang saya masih tak mampu nak buat.

          Jadi, saya takde masa nak menghukum orang. Dan saya pun memang takde tabiat ni dari dulu lagi. Tapi jika ada yang terasa hati sebab berfikir saya ni menghukum mereka, saya minta maaf sangat-sangat. Minta maaf sangat-sangat...............

Election Fever!

          It's here again....ta-raaaa....the election! The circus is back in town! Come one, come all! Enjoy the show - some old, some new! Guaranteed to entertain!
          Suddenly, almost everyone is a meister of politics extraordinaire. Opinions are spewed left, right and center - regardless of time, place, race, creed. They all seem to be privy to tasty morsels of [mis?]information. Everyone truly believing in their ideologies.
          And clueless me enjoying it all. I see passion. I see fire. I see commitment. I see loyalty. I see idiocy. I see deterioration of manners. I see obstinacy. I also see other clueless individuals like me. The circus certainly is a spectacle to behold!
         Ringmasters and spectators all vying to gain attention. All stating their versions of unwavering truths. All  declaring their undying support. Ringmasters making vows. Spectators rah-rah-ing tirelessly.
         However, clueless me has only one thing to say, "BILANYA ELECTION NI???"

My journey.....

          Yes, that's me all right. Without an iota of doubt. Some say I've come a loooong way. There are those who say, "What took you so long?". Then there are those who say, "Is this for real??".
          And I smiled, and smile, and keep smiling. Smiling has always been my way of facing this world. It softens the blows, makes the tears go away faster, and keeps me grounded. Smiling gives me a chance to pause and reflect. It keeps me in touch with my heart. It allows me to forgive easily...though it has yet to teach me to forget.
          When I can smile at everything that life throws me, I'm okay. Smiling gives me a different perspective on mishaps. And makes me ever grateful for them. It provides me the ability to see a silver lining to each cloud. To see blessings in disguise.
         Smiling makes me a staunch believer in cliches...  :D
         So, yes, I'm far from what I once was. And I may never get to be what I want to be. But I'm enjoying my journey all the same.

The fixation on...exes

          What's with this fixation on exes? Your boyfriend's/spouse's/partner's exes that is.  I was about halfway through a romantic comedy, this..............

......watching the antics of the current live-in girlfriend going through the motions of finding out about her lover's exes [at the urging of her colleagues], and she getting frantic by the second. Then it hit me that I must be dysfunctional! I mean, I hardly ever got this immense need to know or discover about his exes. So much so the men in my life would normally just blurt out stuff about their exes to me. And I'd listen. Sometimes I'd ask a couple of questions. Then I'd just get on with my life.
         Exes just don't have much impact on me. Except for those who refuse to leave him...and me...alone. Then I'd tell him to keep her in line which translates into "keep her out of my life". As far as I'm concerned, these women are in his past. Even if he still keeps in touch with them, that's his prerogative. After all, I do communicate with several of my exes. Even if he wants to go back to an ex, I'm okay with that. It's his choice. I've never stopped anyone from leaving before, whether it's to a past flame or a brand new one....for as long as he's leaving me for a woman or for no one. I'd feel terribly insulted if he leaves me for a man! pfffffft!
         And I'm back to asking,"What's with this fixation on exes?". As far as I'm concerned, they're a part of his life. You can't just erase memories - especially the happy ones. So what if he smiles at certain memories. Don't we all? Frankly speaking, not everyone hate their exes. Sometimes you break up because both of you were never meant to be with each other...for reasons best known to The Almighty.
          If you'd allow you to be really frank with yourself, you'd realise, in hindsight, that the break up was good for you - if you can find it in you to touch base with that little voice that's always telling you things you choose to ignore. Everyone hears that little voice. But not everyone chooses to listen.
          I'm okay with exes. And I don't even attempt to make him forget them. Because I know it's impossible to do so. [Because I can't forget my exes either.] Because he once loved them, they deserve space in his heart. Because I'm not in competition with them.
          Just as much as you wouldn't want your past to butt in on your present, then don't go messing around in his past. Leave it be and concentrate on the present. Enjoy the relationship. It's you who he's into at this present time. Be the person whom he finds impossible to give up.
          Every relationship changes us. I thought the heroine of this movie was spot on when she said this [at the break up], "....[so I'm] a little bruised, a little humbled and, hopefully, a little smarter...."

Wake up, Malaysians!

          This is so NOT cute! I read about 10 to 12-year olds molesting preschoolers here http://bit.ly/YIARf4. I went cold. This is so NOT funny! We are talking sodomy here. And we're talking primary school kids!!
          Where did we go wrong? What are our little ones being exposed to that they get this way? Could there be some truth to the allegations that several so called fun, entertaining Hollywood kiddie movies promote sex? Albeit subliminally.
          Okay, I understand that the pressures of living in the city [with its high living cost] makes a two income  family a necessity. But at what cost? This?
          Lets brainstorm. Lets come up with options. Lets help our young. They'll be the future adults of this nation. It is our duty to help them be the best they can be.