Yup! It scooted the minute I got an SMS saying, "We'll be coming over at 10ish". I can't let my visitors eyeball this mess!
So, more than six loads of clean laundry, which had been languishing for weeks, got folded/hung in record time. And efficiently arranged on the open air IKEA racks. Can't have them topsy turvy as those racks are very visible! Books, files, and a variety of stationery got neatly stacked, some were dumped on the bed [which I don't use for sleeping on - but that's another story].
The dining table got stripped, wiped down, and a fresh tablecloth draped over it. Followed by a thorough vacuuming of the entire [very small] flat. Cushions fluffed and arranged neatly. Bathroom given a quick once over. Even the corridor wasn't spared a spruce up! Kitchen counter got a wipe down too.
Aaah...all spick and span. Then I sat down to survey my domain. Satisfied. Happy.
So, Leha, Zai, Kuj....you girls have to come more often! With the goodies, too, of course!
Thanks for visiting! :D
Tuesday 29 January 2013
ada apa dengan aku?
ada apa dengan aku
lemah!
gairahnya setengah
selalu aja separuh!
rapuh!
cepat aja lelah menunaikan janji pada diri sendiri
malu aku pada Dia!
tunduk yang jarang lama
saban hari menggamit dosa
catatan kiri panjang berjela
catatan kanan sejengkal aja!
ada apa dengan aku
yang hanya tahu malu
namun masih aja leka, alpa, bersahaja
sibuk dengan cinta dunia!
Monday 28 January 2013
my prayer for the young......
Dear Allah,
1. please take very good care of these fragile hearts. They take everything so seriously. They feel that pimples, being ignored, being rejected by the popular kids at school etc to be the end of their world.
2. please help them keep their faith in You. They are so in awe of K-pop, Aaron Aziz, Lisa Surihani, the Twilight stars etc to the point of worship.
3. please make them see that they are unique and beautiful in their own way. They so try to emulate their idols that they want to look like them, talk like them, live like them. Let them see that these people have insecurities too - just like them.
4. please keep them safe on the ethernet. The internet is filled with predators disguised as the nicest kid on the block. Let them be able to tell the difference. Let them not go to meet their "internet friends" unaccompanied by someone with a level head and good instincts.
5. please let them realise that school, homework, mum's nagging, uniforms etc are meant to keep them grounded. To learn responsibility. To let them know that dad, mum, teacher won't be around forever to look out for them. That they'd have to take care of themselves at one point in their lives.
6. please let them see the wisdom of keeping themselves adequately covered. That things kept under wraps are mysterious and alluring. That when you flaunt all you've got, what's there left to discover.
7. please kindle their interest in cooking. Let them discover the whole wide world of recipes and producing/creating dishes to die for. That this is a grand skill to acquire. So they won't be dependent on fast food, mamak food, other people's cooking for the rest of their lives.
8. please let them learn patience and perseverance. Let them discover that these two character traits will help them go through life with a smile on their faces most times.
9. please let them learn that to be kind and compassionate is cool. So they won't taunt others. So they'd be in touch with their inner selves. So they'd realise that the sun doesn't rise and set on their heads.So they'd know that they share this blessed earth with more than 6 billion others.
10. please let them realise that being famous isn't as much fun as they think. That it comes with a lot of hard work, sacrifice, heartache.
They are the adults of the future. Let them be the kind that benefits all those around them and beyond. Let them discover the intrinsic side of "beautiful". Let them embrace live with a zest and appreciation that surpasses previous generations.
Amiiiin...... :)
1. please take very good care of these fragile hearts. They take everything so seriously. They feel that pimples, being ignored, being rejected by the popular kids at school etc to be the end of their world.
2. please help them keep their faith in You. They are so in awe of K-pop, Aaron Aziz, Lisa Surihani, the Twilight stars etc to the point of worship.
3. please make them see that they are unique and beautiful in their own way. They so try to emulate their idols that they want to look like them, talk like them, live like them. Let them see that these people have insecurities too - just like them.
4. please keep them safe on the ethernet. The internet is filled with predators disguised as the nicest kid on the block. Let them be able to tell the difference. Let them not go to meet their "internet friends" unaccompanied by someone with a level head and good instincts.
5. please let them realise that school, homework, mum's nagging, uniforms etc are meant to keep them grounded. To learn responsibility. To let them know that dad, mum, teacher won't be around forever to look out for them. That they'd have to take care of themselves at one point in their lives.
6. please let them see the wisdom of keeping themselves adequately covered. That things kept under wraps are mysterious and alluring. That when you flaunt all you've got, what's there left to discover.
7. please kindle their interest in cooking. Let them discover the whole wide world of recipes and producing/creating dishes to die for. That this is a grand skill to acquire. So they won't be dependent on fast food, mamak food, other people's cooking for the rest of their lives.
8. please let them learn patience and perseverance. Let them discover that these two character traits will help them go through life with a smile on their faces most times.
9. please let them learn that to be kind and compassionate is cool. So they won't taunt others. So they'd be in touch with their inner selves. So they'd realise that the sun doesn't rise and set on their heads.So they'd know that they share this blessed earth with more than 6 billion others.
10. please let them realise that being famous isn't as much fun as they think. That it comes with a lot of hard work, sacrifice, heartache.
They are the adults of the future. Let them be the kind that benefits all those around them and beyond. Let them discover the intrinsic side of "beautiful". Let them embrace live with a zest and appreciation that surpasses previous generations.
Amiiiin...... :)
Sunday 27 January 2013
life...made simple!
If I were a cynic, I'd say that earth is populated by whiners, whingers, and whatever other term used to describe the hard-to-please folks. Life doesn't seem to be able to please them one iota! I always imagine that they go to bed feeling disgruntled, and wake up all afresh with a whole set of complaints! To them, life is about seeing the "bad" side to everything - even in the "good" situations.
And how they endeavour to let the entire world know of their grouses. Social networking sites definitely make this easier for them . The world wide web offers new avenues for the propagation of complaints. So much so , the less disgruntled, happier-with-their-lot-in-life folks have to contend with a barrage of "life isn't fair" screams. S.I.G.H.......
How about making life a lot simpler? Much happier? Less stressful? Since noone has come up with a "happy pill" yet, lets try:
1. smiling. Yes...as wide as possible. Even if you don't feel like smiling. Fake it if you must. It's kinda tough to be negative/nasty when your lips are stretched upwards you know. Try it if you don't believe me! Smile when you wake up - just to give appreciation that you aren't in a deep, dark hole with worms for company! This should also give you the impetus to smile all day long.
2. finding ways to lighten up the lives of those you are blessed to meet everyday. Just conjure up simple small gestures that you can easily do. Like saying, "Hello". So what if people think you're mad. You'll get used to it - like I did.
3. being spontaneous. Find something to compliment about each person - something you truly feel merits blurting out in all sincerity. Like, "That colour looks great on you". You can bet it'll make the recipient feel like a million dollars. Trust me! I'm pretty good at this. I was once at a McD outlet at Giant, Taman Permata [the outlet is no longer there now]. It was past 5pm and the place was packed to the brim; the queue about 20 deep at each of its five or so counters. I happened to be at the one where a mak nyah was in charge. The poor soul! There was this totally foulmouthed so and so who harassed him no end. Even I felt like zipping his mouth! I watched the mak nyah getting more uptight by the second. So much so that he didn't have a smile to offer to the rest of the five customers before me; he hardly looked up when he served them. As I got nearer the counter, I noticed that he had the most glorious hair; silky and flowing beautifully, a beautiful mahogany hue. When it was my turn, I said "Hi" before he could, smiled at him while saying, "I love your hair. Who's your hairstylist?". Oh...you should see how his face lighted up! And how he was still smiling afterwards.
4. biting our tongues. Literally if you have to. Take at least ten seconds to think before you open your mouth every time you have the urge to say something nasty. Nasty may be deemed cool...if you're a rock star.
These four simple actions have helped me tremendously in not getting murdered! Peace yo! ;)
And how they endeavour to let the entire world know of their grouses. Social networking sites definitely make this easier for them . The world wide web offers new avenues for the propagation of complaints. So much so , the less disgruntled, happier-with-their-lot-in-life folks have to contend with a barrage of "life isn't fair" screams. S.I.G.H.......
How about making life a lot simpler? Much happier? Less stressful? Since noone has come up with a "happy pill" yet, lets try:
1. smiling. Yes...as wide as possible. Even if you don't feel like smiling. Fake it if you must. It's kinda tough to be negative/nasty when your lips are stretched upwards you know. Try it if you don't believe me! Smile when you wake up - just to give appreciation that you aren't in a deep, dark hole with worms for company! This should also give you the impetus to smile all day long.
2. finding ways to lighten up the lives of those you are blessed to meet everyday. Just conjure up simple small gestures that you can easily do. Like saying, "Hello". So what if people think you're mad. You'll get used to it - like I did.
3. being spontaneous. Find something to compliment about each person - something you truly feel merits blurting out in all sincerity. Like, "That colour looks great on you". You can bet it'll make the recipient feel like a million dollars. Trust me! I'm pretty good at this. I was once at a McD outlet at Giant, Taman Permata [the outlet is no longer there now]. It was past 5pm and the place was packed to the brim; the queue about 20 deep at each of its five or so counters. I happened to be at the one where a mak nyah was in charge. The poor soul! There was this totally foulmouthed so and so who harassed him no end. Even I felt like zipping his mouth! I watched the mak nyah getting more uptight by the second. So much so that he didn't have a smile to offer to the rest of the five customers before me; he hardly looked up when he served them. As I got nearer the counter, I noticed that he had the most glorious hair; silky and flowing beautifully, a beautiful mahogany hue. When it was my turn, I said "Hi" before he could, smiled at him while saying, "I love your hair. Who's your hairstylist?". Oh...you should see how his face lighted up! And how he was still smiling afterwards.
4. biting our tongues. Literally if you have to. Take at least ten seconds to think before you open your mouth every time you have the urge to say something nasty. Nasty may be deemed cool...if you're a rock star.
These four simple actions have helped me tremendously in not getting murdered! Peace yo! ;)
aku akan dulu......
aku akan dulu
senyum pada kamu
aku akan dulu
sapa kamu
aku akan dulu
hormat pada kamu
biar pun kamu tidak begitu dengan aku
biar pun kamu berterusan beku sama aku
biar pun mukamu ketat, bahasamu kesat, hatimu beku sama aku
aku tetap akan terus senyum, sapa, hormat kamu dulu
kerana aku pasti akan tibanya waktu
kamu akan dulu senyum, sapa, hormat aku
kerana aku yakin
hati kaku, beku bila dititip kehangatan mesraku
tak akan mungkin kekal kaku
tak akan mungkin kekal beku
pasti juga akan cair bila tibanya waktu
kerana
tiada hati yang bisa melawan c.i.n.t.a
yang tidak mengharap apa-apa
Saturday 26 January 2013
I grew up here.....at TKC....
A home away from home. A commune of sorts. With a family like no other. Where privacy didn't exist. Where I spent 9 months out of every year - for 5 consecutive years.
My "recall" leaves much to be desired. I can't remember what I ate at the dining hall. Either it was too traumatic to be ingrained in my mind or it was so-so, hence, my memory categorised it as forgettable. But, however much I try, I couldn't forget a particularly horrible biscuit and the chemical-like drink that was served with it. Ugghh!
I remember:
1) being sent to detention class for coming back late from home leave. My brother's fault entirely! He stopped for jagung rebus and air tebu at Kajang. There were several others with me during detention. We had to clean the staff room. But what riled me is the fact that detention was abolished right after that! Pfffffttttt!!;
2) one time during Mod Maths class, we didn't want Mr Ng to erase the board as we hadn't finished copying. He coolly turned around and said, "Girls, I'm 28 years old and I cannot wait any longer.";
3) Mr Goh buying me ice cream every time I became the ball picker during his tennis games;
4) nonchalantly walking past the guards and out the school gate - without permission! Rode the bus into town...and bumped into Cik Rokiah at NS Supermarket. I smiled at her cheekily. She gave us a ride back to college. Cik Rokiah, you're cool!
5) form 4K getting the "dirtiest class" award [bluerk] twice when I was class councillor
6) Pak Tah [the canteen operator] passing leftover canteen food to us at 4K during prep time, Ramadhan
7) sleeping through prep and "agama" talk [didn't know the word "kuliah" then]
8) the midnight feasts
9) the fire drills in the dead of night
10) losing socks. Traumatic for athletes like me.
11) Cik Mahiran with her whistle and looooong ruler
12) eating crackers and peanut butter at all hours
13) the noise level during sahur
14) "bodek-ing" our Biology teacher to have class outdoors - he conceded. We didn't learn anything much!
15) Mr Lim's Brut scent - which irritated my sinuses
16) April Fool pranks.....
Hey! Come to think of it, I do remember quite a fair bit!
However, what I cherish most is the friends I met here. Friends who are more "family" than my own family. To all the "girls" - I'm privileged to have met you.
I love you xx
Friday 25 January 2013
yes...this is me! right now....
Haaaaah....another birthday! In sya Allah. Last birthday, at 52, I adopted the hijab. A move that surprised/shocked many. Not the fact that I donned the "tudung" as we call it here, but the fact that I "shrouded" myself - the whole nine yards! Abaya over my casual wear, "tudung labuh", socks on feet...you get the drift.
And the very first question I got was, "Do you still smoke?"
I laughed! Of course I still smoked. I am still smoking. Truthfully, I am not sure if I can break this foul habit. I am just relieved that there is still khilaf over smoking.
It's funny really that many assume that I would suddenly metamorphose into this epitome of a muslimah. I wish it was as easy as that - change mode of attire, get exemplary muslimah features/characters automatically!
It took this long for me to cover my aurat. Not that I didn't know it is a syariat requirement. Not that I didn't know I was sinning every single day that I didn't. Not that I didn't care. It took the prodding and logic of a very young chap to provide this impetus for change. And I'm forever thankful to Allah for bringing this beautiful soul into my life - the son I never had.
In many, many ways, I'm still the old me. Still cheeky. Still with my own brand of humour. Still candid. Still aspiring to be fully non-judgmental. Still striving to be a beautiful soul.
Still finding it very hard to be a "beautiful" person.....
Thursday 24 January 2013
...of being alone....
When you live in a household of 22 things can get real merry. So
much so that sometimes you just crave a different kind of merrymaking. The kind
that involves just you, a book, a writing pad, a pen, cigarettes and a coffee
joint.
It’s lovely to be amid all this different noise!
Having all these people around me who cannot intrude, interrupt, much less sit
across from me uninvited. I don’t have to pay any attention to my surroundings,
don’t have to care if the kids are up to no good. I just immerse myself in my
book. Or just gaze at people walking by. Or write. Or do absolutely nothing –
not even think. Total bliss!
Then I moved out of the main house into my own little flat at the back of the property. My flat is at the furthest end of the corridor. In the event of an emergency where I can't use the stairs, I'd have to jump off from the corridor - not a very comforting thought! Anyway, this move gave me a different perspective of "noise" and "solitude".
You see, I'm the ONLY one of the 22 who has two rooms, a kitchen, a bathroom and a living room all to myself albeit the entire floor space of my flat is about half the size of my sister's bedroom. Living here all alone, in a flat nestled snugly against a hill, a stone's throw from the secondary jungle, gave "solitude" and "noise" a totally different meaning. I could actually hear myself think for once!
I get pleasant nature "noise"...although I must admit that it's pretty scary at times. And it gets too spookily quiet sometimes! There were also times I wished sound wouldn't travel so far and so well - the times when I heard my neighbours squabbling in the dead of night for one. And the ringing of the telephone suddenly seems so loud! As loud as my thoughts....
Being an extrovert with introvert hobbies, I love this life of mine right now. I find that I could articulate my thoughts easily. Ideas and words just flowing smoothly, unchecked, uninhibited, untiringly. I get to read, write, rant, ramble almost uninterrupted. My personal Utopia!
Indeed, it's lovely to be alone yet not lonely. Great company always available merely 20 steps away. My grandkids shouting out their "I love you"s from their apartment stairs on their way to and from school. Them chatting with me through their bedroom window.
I find that I no longer need the coffee joints. These days, it's just me, Davidoff [white, no sugar], cigarettes, PC, book, pen and writing pad.... :)
p/s: I love visits from friends ;)
Tuesday 22 January 2013
....and now there's 5!
Ms no-name-yet - the latest addition
2 days old [well, almost]
.jpg)
Iris - 5
 |
| Auni - 7 |
 |
| Ratih - 7; Kama - 6 |
Welcome to this world little one... :)
She finally arrived! Sometime in the late afternoon. All 2.8kg of her. All went well. Mum's fine and recuperating at Hospital Selayang. The yet unnamed one cries a lot I was informed. She looks like Iris, with Auni's skin tone.
We all breathed a sigh of relief. And smiles are all around. Now waiting for her to come home.
Welcome to the world little one! Maktok can't promise you that life will treat you kind. But I can promise you that maktok will be here to help you view life as kind.
We all love you already! xoxo
Monday 21 January 2013
Confession time! ...I don't read newspapers
Many look at me askance when I say this. "Then how do you keep abreast of whatever's going on?", they asked. And I will cheekily reply, "There WILL always be those who are more than willing to tell me about "what's hot" - whether I'm interested or otherwise!".
Faiz for one. Where do you think I got all the details on Anwar Ibrahim? Am I interested in Anwar Ibrahim? Not really. But I still get to hear every morsel of news on him...courtesy of Faiz - an avid offline, online, electronic news fanatic. We used to be housemates. He would read the News Straits Times at home, then The Sun and whatever paper he could lay hands on at the condo cafeteria and the various places we had coffee at. Now, he has more avenues - the internet!
I find newspapers depressing. It's mostly bad news. And I'm not too fond of bad news. No wonder there are a lot of depressed folks around. Psychologists have stated that those who live on newspaper fare are bound to be pessimistic. There you go! Faiz, I keep telling you....
I wish there's a "happy news" paper. Even if it's only two pages. I like to smile. I also like to shed happy tears.
Facebook helps me too. At least 25% of my fb friends will post whatever is the sensation of the moment. The plus side is, they also post happy news. I like!
Since I don't read newspapers, don't watch tv, don't read entertainment magazines much, I'm ignorant of lots of stuff like the who's who of the corporate, social and entertainment world for one. I figure I won't be penalised on this when I stand before Allah swt. So, I remain steadfastly ignorant.
And blissfully cheerful...... Peace yo! ;)
Faiz for one. Where do you think I got all the details on Anwar Ibrahim? Am I interested in Anwar Ibrahim? Not really. But I still get to hear every morsel of news on him...courtesy of Faiz - an avid offline, online, electronic news fanatic. We used to be housemates. He would read the News Straits Times at home, then The Sun and whatever paper he could lay hands on at the condo cafeteria and the various places we had coffee at. Now, he has more avenues - the internet!
I find newspapers depressing. It's mostly bad news. And I'm not too fond of bad news. No wonder there are a lot of depressed folks around. Psychologists have stated that those who live on newspaper fare are bound to be pessimistic. There you go! Faiz, I keep telling you....
I wish there's a "happy news" paper. Even if it's only two pages. I like to smile. I also like to shed happy tears.
Facebook helps me too. At least 25% of my fb friends will post whatever is the sensation of the moment. The plus side is, they also post happy news. I like!
Since I don't read newspapers, don't watch tv, don't read entertainment magazines much, I'm ignorant of lots of stuff like the who's who of the corporate, social and entertainment world for one. I figure I won't be penalised on this when I stand before Allah swt. So, I remain steadfastly ignorant.
And blissfully cheerful...... Peace yo! ;)
Laziness has set in!
Laziness has set in! Oh me! Oh my! I'm in that state where I can just look at the five loads of washed but unfolded laundry - totally unmoved. Another load in the washer waiting to be hung. The laundry basket filled to the brim. I don't even want to talk about the ironing to be done.
And....yea....I don't care. It's not going anywhere any time soon. It'll just wait patiently for me. And me sitting here tapping away without an iota of guilt. In fact, I'm thinking of catching a movie on youtube after this.
Eversince I entered this state, I've been watching quite an impressive number of movies - by my standard that is. I'm NOT a movie/tv person. I can go for decades without paying any attention to these medias. Lately I've watched movies two to thirty years after their debut. Kinda fun really. Finally watched "When Harry Met Sally" in its entirety. Beginning to like Indonesian movies. Even several Malay ones. [I think Beto Kusyairi is a really cool actor....yea go, Beto, GO!]
Have you ever had one of those days/weeks/months where you'd do everything else EXCEPT the things you're supposed to do? Well, I'm there now. Totally guilt free. Without remorse....yet. Stephen Covey's "first things first" a distant memory.....
I'm revisiting my students days of too much coffee, too little sleep, too many cigarettes, eating just enough to survive, ....with a slight difference. Now there's this blessed, beautiful world called the internet. It transports me to new frontiers. Where everyday could be "extraordinaryday" if you do it right. I SO love this world!
Right this moment, my books will just have to wait. Even the novels. Unfortunately there's no way I can ignore several academic ones as I'm a tutor. At least I'm done with Kerzner [never to be revisited I hope!].
I can't afford to nod off. My grandkid is down with a fever. Her mum, one half of my twin daughters, is in hospital just hours away from a C-section. I'm antsy. Eventhough she assured me that everything's okay. That she'll be done by 10am, in sya Allah.
A good thing I still drink circa 3 liters of water daily. It helps balance my system.
Still.......s.i.g.h.......
help!!
And....yea....I don't care. It's not going anywhere any time soon. It'll just wait patiently for me. And me sitting here tapping away without an iota of guilt. In fact, I'm thinking of catching a movie on youtube after this.
Eversince I entered this state, I've been watching quite an impressive number of movies - by my standard that is. I'm NOT a movie/tv person. I can go for decades without paying any attention to these medias. Lately I've watched movies two to thirty years after their debut. Kinda fun really. Finally watched "When Harry Met Sally" in its entirety. Beginning to like Indonesian movies. Even several Malay ones. [I think Beto Kusyairi is a really cool actor....yea go, Beto, GO!]
Have you ever had one of those days/weeks/months where you'd do everything else EXCEPT the things you're supposed to do? Well, I'm there now. Totally guilt free. Without remorse....yet. Stephen Covey's "first things first" a distant memory.....
I'm revisiting my students days of too much coffee, too little sleep, too many cigarettes, eating just enough to survive, ....with a slight difference. Now there's this blessed, beautiful world called the internet. It transports me to new frontiers. Where everyday could be "extraordinaryday" if you do it right. I SO love this world!
Right this moment, my books will just have to wait. Even the novels. Unfortunately there's no way I can ignore several academic ones as I'm a tutor. At least I'm done with Kerzner [never to be revisited I hope!].
I can't afford to nod off. My grandkid is down with a fever. Her mum, one half of my twin daughters, is in hospital just hours away from a C-section. I'm antsy. Eventhough she assured me that everything's okay. That she'll be done by 10am, in sya Allah.
A good thing I still drink circa 3 liters of water daily. It helps balance my system.
Still.......s.i.g.h.......
help!!
Thursday 17 January 2013
life throws you strawberries most times.....2
Less than a couple of hours after I posted the earlier article, life throws me strawberries. Most unexpectedly. Alhamdulillah. Nothing major. Just....more than I expected.
I was thinking of nasi lemak or rather I thought that I was only going to get nasi lemak for breakfast. I had more or less given up on getting mihun, my favourite breakfast food, since my brother hasn't been well of late. So there I was, resigned to the fact that I'll have another nasi lemak breakfast. Aaaaah....but life had other plans for me!
When I got downstairs, my sis-in-law greeted me with, "Baru nak call Kak Ijan. Hari ni semua Kak Ijan punya favourite." And indeed it was! I bought from her egg and sardine sandwiches and mihun. I bought two portions thinking that my student will be here at 12 noon. And yet again, life had other plans for me....
You see, when my student texted me earlier, I didn't actually feel like conducting tuition at noon. I wanted it to be at 2pm. But I figured that would inconvenience her as she normally comes over at circa noon most times. So I didn't want to upset her schedule.
Guess what? She texted me about ten minutes later to ask if she could postpone class to 2pm! Yessss! Perrrrrrfect!
And that breakfast/brunch that I bought for her? I gave it to my granddaughter who had just gotten home from sekolah agama. Her eyes lit up at the mention of egg sandwiches. Another happy person! Yea...!
When you believe that life throws you strawberries most times, you get strawberries.... ;)
I was thinking of nasi lemak or rather I thought that I was only going to get nasi lemak for breakfast. I had more or less given up on getting mihun, my favourite breakfast food, since my brother hasn't been well of late. So there I was, resigned to the fact that I'll have another nasi lemak breakfast. Aaaaah....but life had other plans for me!
When I got downstairs, my sis-in-law greeted me with, "Baru nak call Kak Ijan. Hari ni semua Kak Ijan punya favourite." And indeed it was! I bought from her egg and sardine sandwiches and mihun. I bought two portions thinking that my student will be here at 12 noon. And yet again, life had other plans for me....
You see, when my student texted me earlier, I didn't actually feel like conducting tuition at noon. I wanted it to be at 2pm. But I figured that would inconvenience her as she normally comes over at circa noon most times. So I didn't want to upset her schedule.
Guess what? She texted me about ten minutes later to ask if she could postpone class to 2pm! Yessss! Perrrrrrfect!
And that breakfast/brunch that I bought for her? I gave it to my granddaughter who had just gotten home from sekolah agama. Her eyes lit up at the mention of egg sandwiches. Another happy person! Yea...!
When you believe that life throws you strawberries most times, you get strawberries.... ;)
life throws you strawberries most times.....
Many of us love to lament our fate. Always bitching about our misfortunes. Oftentimes complaining about not getting what we want. Yak, yak, yak, yak...gripe, gripe, gripe, gripe...whine, whine, whine, whine....to no end. If aliens could tap into our networking sites, blogs, phone conversations, luncheons etc they'd think earth's inhabitants are really having a damn tough time!
And when those super-motivated, super-positive, super-religious folks come to us and preach their doctrines, we get upset. We say they are unreal. We say that they are putting on an act. We say they are in denial. We say all kinds of things just because we don't agree that life is kinder to us than we see it.
Why do I use the word "see"? Because most times, I notice that people tend to compare what they get from life with what another person gets from it. It's all about the eyes. It's as if the eyes are the only organs that can "see".
How about a change? How about trying to use our other organs to "see"? How about emulating the blind and "see" through touch? Of course I don't mean you should go around groping people!
But we can "touch" by not physically touching. And that we should do more often. I believe that when we focus on touching this way, we'd be more appreciative of our lot in life.
How about making life a lot more fun for others? How about easing the woes of a friend? How about filling a need that a neighbour has? How about giving a smile to that grouchy person we see on our train ride everyday? How about saying "Hi" to that elderly Indian guard at the parking lot? How about changing our mindset?
We'd still be yearning for things, people, situations to be better even after we do all of the above. But I believe that there'll be a shift in our yearnings. I believe that we will be happier. And I also believe that we'll admit that life throws us strawberries more often than lemons.... :)
And when those super-motivated, super-positive, super-religious folks come to us and preach their doctrines, we get upset. We say they are unreal. We say that they are putting on an act. We say they are in denial. We say all kinds of things just because we don't agree that life is kinder to us than we see it.
Why do I use the word "see"? Because most times, I notice that people tend to compare what they get from life with what another person gets from it. It's all about the eyes. It's as if the eyes are the only organs that can "see".
How about a change? How about trying to use our other organs to "see"? How about emulating the blind and "see" through touch? Of course I don't mean you should go around groping people!
But we can "touch" by not physically touching. And that we should do more often. I believe that when we focus on touching this way, we'd be more appreciative of our lot in life.
How about making life a lot more fun for others? How about easing the woes of a friend? How about filling a need that a neighbour has? How about giving a smile to that grouchy person we see on our train ride everyday? How about saying "Hi" to that elderly Indian guard at the parking lot? How about changing our mindset?
We'd still be yearning for things, people, situations to be better even after we do all of the above. But I believe that there'll be a shift in our yearnings. I believe that we will be happier. And I also believe that we'll admit that life throws us strawberries more often than lemons.... :)
Wednesday 16 January 2013
kamu tetap istimewa......4
Dulu aku selalu terfikir bahawa bila aku suka seseorang itu sudah tentu semuanya akan jadi senang. Hidup pun tenang, aman, damai, sejahtera. Tapi jika aku tak suka seseorang itu sudah tentu hidup aku akan jadi porak peranda. Disaster!
Silap rupanya aku. In reality, bila aku suka seseorang itu, lagi terbalik dunia aku! Yelah...orang perempuan ni tak nyaman sungguh hidup bila tak terima berita, tak nampak muka, berjauhan lama, bergaduh tak tentu hala...you get the drift! Asyik terpandang aja muka dia merata-rata. Nasib baik zaman aku bercinta dulu bukan zaman handphone dan internet! Tentu habis semua rasa suka duka terpapar kat facebook, twitter, my space, friendster, tagged dan entahsiteapaapa lagi! Dan semestinya syarikat-syarikat telekomunikasi akan menjadi lebih kaya!
Zaman aku remaja dulu zaman tulis surat. Kaum perempuan ini sesungguhnya excellent managers. Letter pads with matching envelopes, aerograms, stamps and pens that work sentiasa ada. Kalau stok sendiri habis pun, okay aja. Sebab tentu saja akan ada teman-teman yang boleh bagi pinjam harta benda mereka....demi mem-promo-kan C.I.N.T.A.
Kenapa aku kata hidup aku jadi porak peranda bila bercinta? Sebab aku ni macam orang lelaki! Cuma, aku berbeza sedikit. Aku ada letter pads bercorak with matching envelopes. Juga letter pads biasa, airmail dan conqueror paper. Tera kan! Setem...bapa dah siap bagi stok sebab kena tulis surat kepada dia setiap minggu [aku duduk asrama]. Dalam. Bahasa. Melayu. Sebabnya? Penguasaan bahasa ibundaku sungguh memalukan pada waktu itu. Dapat C5 dah rasa tera!
Back to the story. Aku dibesarkan bersama 5 orang abang dan seorang adik lelaki, seorang kakak juga seorang adik perempuan. Aku dilahirkan ke dunia indah ini right after 4 boys in a row. Faham-faham ajalah apa yang terjadi kepada aku. Jadi pemain bolasepak. Pandai timbang bola sepak raga [sekarang dipanggil sepak takraw]. Cara tangkap bola ragbi pun tahu juga. Naik basikal, panjat pokok, kerabat bukit, hambat orang, aku tersangat tera.
Malangnya bagi kaum jejaka, penampilanku begitu ayu sekali - time aku duduk diam-diam dan senyum, bisu tanpa katalah. Rambut kemerah-merahan mencecah pinggang yang didandan rapi oleh mak, senyum manisku [ehem..ehem], dan kebolehanku duduk berjam-jam tanpa bicara, tanpa resah, tanpa mengada-ngada itu dipandang menarik oleh si jejaka. Juga ibu-ibu, mak penakan, nenek-nenek, dan makcik-makcik sebelah rumah mereka.
Tapi aku tak perasan itu semua! Budak lelaki semua jadi geng. Kalau dia orang "ayat" aku pun, aku tak akan faham, tak akan perasan, tak akan tahu aku sedang di"ayat"kan. Hanya mereka-mereka yang berjiwa pahlawan, yang sanggup cakap direct aja yang aku akan faham dengan jelas dan nyata. Sehingga kini, aku sama aja! Blur!
So, kisah cintaku serabut aja. Serabut kerana aku rasa mat-mat yang aku date jiwang belaka. Asyik nak berkepit aja kerjanya. Itu belum lagi bab secret admirers. Hantar surat, salam, pesanan, hadiah melalui messengers. Mesti ramai yang frust menonggeng sebab aku ni tak berapa curious orangnya. Dia orang hantar surat, aku baca. Aku tanya siapa yang hantar. Kalau messenger kata rahsia, aku okay aja. Tak tanya lagi dah. Kalau ada yang nak date aku tapi through 3rd party, memang susahlah aku nak layan. Adalah pergi sekali dua - itu pun sebab nak senangkan hati kawan. Disaster!
Aku rajin tulis surat tapi tak rajin pergi dating. Sebab dating memakan terlalu banyak masa. Membuat aku penasaran bila teringat buku-buku cerita yang aku sedang dan hendak baca. Juga program-program kerabat bukit, tunggang basikal, main netball dll. Aku tak suka tengok wayang. Sekali sekala tu okaylah. Tapi kalau 3 kali sebulan, jawabnya "NO"! Dulu aku tak suka bercakap telefon lama-lama - penat pegang gagang telefon. Kalau banyak nak cerita, aku suruh datang ke rumah atau tulis surat aja. Aku tak boleh nak selalu makan kat luar sebab aku ada chronic allergy - masuk hospital kalau tersilap makan. Aku tak rajin berjalan-jalan. Aku tak gemar shopping. Aku tak suka tenguk tv.
Paling aku tak suka ialah drama kings. Aduuuuiiiii....Agaknya sebab aku ni kaum hawa yang pelik sikit [ada yang kata pelik banyak!], aku selalulah dapat mat-mat jiwang yang kuat merajuk, sensitif tak ketawan hala. Rajin hadiahkan aku bunga, coklat, perfume....semuanya benda-benda yang aku allergic to. Cium bunga - semput sebab pollen allergy. Makan coklat - dapat migraine. Pakai perfume - semput, kulit juga akan rasa seperti terbakar sebab allergic to the alcohol. Mat-mat pemurah hati langsung bertukar menjadi mat-mat berkecil hati! Jenuhlah aku nak kena explain. Lepas tu ada pula yang kata aku saja buat cerita. Yelah...aku ni nampak sihat sejahtera aja kan. Athlete lagi!
Aku tak kisah jika boyfriend aku keluar dengan perempuan lain. Aku hanya akan call bila perlu aja. Senang kata, aku tak ambil kisah sangat tentang apa yang mereka buat bila aku tak ada kat sebelah mereka. On the plus side, menghabiskan masa dan tenaga ajalah orang yang ber-gossip dengan aku tentang boyfriend aku ke suami aku ke. Aku percaya aja kat dia orang selagi aku tak nampak depan mata. Kalau nampak pun, aku akan tanya dengan penuh berhemah. Tak ada tantrums, salah sangka ke. I guess I'm just not the suspicious sort.
Dan nak break off dengan aku cukup senang. Cakap aja. Tak bagi reason pun tak mengapa. Aku tak ambil hati. Dan aku tak akan sesekali memalukan kamu dengan memujuk rayu. Tapi kalau nak "ON" balik tu, ada susah sikitlah. Bukan sebab aku ego, tapi aku dah "reprogramme" minda aku selepas kita break off tu. Kamu dah masuk "friend zone". Setakat nak berborak, datang rumah, pergi makan minum sekali sekala tu aku "ON" aja.
Sifat aku yang begini rupa-rupanya membuat ramai yang terluka. Aku minta maaf. Aku tak sengaja.
Dan aku nak kamu tahu, walaupun kamu mungkin tak akan percaya, kamu tetap istimewa........ :)
Silap rupanya aku. In reality, bila aku suka seseorang itu, lagi terbalik dunia aku! Yelah...orang perempuan ni tak nyaman sungguh hidup bila tak terima berita, tak nampak muka, berjauhan lama, bergaduh tak tentu hala...you get the drift! Asyik terpandang aja muka dia merata-rata. Nasib baik zaman aku bercinta dulu bukan zaman handphone dan internet! Tentu habis semua rasa suka duka terpapar kat facebook, twitter, my space, friendster, tagged dan entahsiteapaapa lagi! Dan semestinya syarikat-syarikat telekomunikasi akan menjadi lebih kaya!
Zaman aku remaja dulu zaman tulis surat. Kaum perempuan ini sesungguhnya excellent managers. Letter pads with matching envelopes, aerograms, stamps and pens that work sentiasa ada. Kalau stok sendiri habis pun, okay aja. Sebab tentu saja akan ada teman-teman yang boleh bagi pinjam harta benda mereka....demi mem-promo-kan C.I.N.T.A.
Kenapa aku kata hidup aku jadi porak peranda bila bercinta? Sebab aku ni macam orang lelaki! Cuma, aku berbeza sedikit. Aku ada letter pads bercorak with matching envelopes. Juga letter pads biasa, airmail dan conqueror paper. Tera kan! Setem...bapa dah siap bagi stok sebab kena tulis surat kepada dia setiap minggu [aku duduk asrama]. Dalam. Bahasa. Melayu. Sebabnya? Penguasaan bahasa ibundaku sungguh memalukan pada waktu itu. Dapat C5 dah rasa tera!
Back to the story. Aku dibesarkan bersama 5 orang abang dan seorang adik lelaki, seorang kakak juga seorang adik perempuan. Aku dilahirkan ke dunia indah ini right after 4 boys in a row. Faham-faham ajalah apa yang terjadi kepada aku. Jadi pemain bolasepak. Pandai timbang bola sepak raga [sekarang dipanggil sepak takraw]. Cara tangkap bola ragbi pun tahu juga. Naik basikal, panjat pokok, kerabat bukit, hambat orang, aku tersangat tera.
Malangnya bagi kaum jejaka, penampilanku begitu ayu sekali - time aku duduk diam-diam dan senyum, bisu tanpa katalah. Rambut kemerah-merahan mencecah pinggang yang didandan rapi oleh mak, senyum manisku [ehem..ehem], dan kebolehanku duduk berjam-jam tanpa bicara, tanpa resah, tanpa mengada-ngada itu dipandang menarik oleh si jejaka. Juga ibu-ibu, mak penakan, nenek-nenek, dan makcik-makcik sebelah rumah mereka.
Tapi aku tak perasan itu semua! Budak lelaki semua jadi geng. Kalau dia orang "ayat" aku pun, aku tak akan faham, tak akan perasan, tak akan tahu aku sedang di"ayat"kan. Hanya mereka-mereka yang berjiwa pahlawan, yang sanggup cakap direct aja yang aku akan faham dengan jelas dan nyata. Sehingga kini, aku sama aja! Blur!
So, kisah cintaku serabut aja. Serabut kerana aku rasa mat-mat yang aku date jiwang belaka. Asyik nak berkepit aja kerjanya. Itu belum lagi bab secret admirers. Hantar surat, salam, pesanan, hadiah melalui messengers. Mesti ramai yang frust menonggeng sebab aku ni tak berapa curious orangnya. Dia orang hantar surat, aku baca. Aku tanya siapa yang hantar. Kalau messenger kata rahsia, aku okay aja. Tak tanya lagi dah. Kalau ada yang nak date aku tapi through 3rd party, memang susahlah aku nak layan. Adalah pergi sekali dua - itu pun sebab nak senangkan hati kawan. Disaster!
Aku rajin tulis surat tapi tak rajin pergi dating. Sebab dating memakan terlalu banyak masa. Membuat aku penasaran bila teringat buku-buku cerita yang aku sedang dan hendak baca. Juga program-program kerabat bukit, tunggang basikal, main netball dll. Aku tak suka tengok wayang. Sekali sekala tu okaylah. Tapi kalau 3 kali sebulan, jawabnya "NO"! Dulu aku tak suka bercakap telefon lama-lama - penat pegang gagang telefon. Kalau banyak nak cerita, aku suruh datang ke rumah atau tulis surat aja. Aku tak boleh nak selalu makan kat luar sebab aku ada chronic allergy - masuk hospital kalau tersilap makan. Aku tak rajin berjalan-jalan. Aku tak gemar shopping. Aku tak suka tenguk tv.
Paling aku tak suka ialah drama kings. Aduuuuiiiii....Agaknya sebab aku ni kaum hawa yang pelik sikit [ada yang kata pelik banyak!], aku selalulah dapat mat-mat jiwang yang kuat merajuk, sensitif tak ketawan hala. Rajin hadiahkan aku bunga, coklat, perfume....semuanya benda-benda yang aku allergic to. Cium bunga - semput sebab pollen allergy. Makan coklat - dapat migraine. Pakai perfume - semput, kulit juga akan rasa seperti terbakar sebab allergic to the alcohol. Mat-mat pemurah hati langsung bertukar menjadi mat-mat berkecil hati! Jenuhlah aku nak kena explain. Lepas tu ada pula yang kata aku saja buat cerita. Yelah...aku ni nampak sihat sejahtera aja kan. Athlete lagi!
Aku tak kisah jika boyfriend aku keluar dengan perempuan lain. Aku hanya akan call bila perlu aja. Senang kata, aku tak ambil kisah sangat tentang apa yang mereka buat bila aku tak ada kat sebelah mereka. On the plus side, menghabiskan masa dan tenaga ajalah orang yang ber-gossip dengan aku tentang boyfriend aku ke suami aku ke. Aku percaya aja kat dia orang selagi aku tak nampak depan mata. Kalau nampak pun, aku akan tanya dengan penuh berhemah. Tak ada tantrums, salah sangka ke. I guess I'm just not the suspicious sort.
Dan nak break off dengan aku cukup senang. Cakap aja. Tak bagi reason pun tak mengapa. Aku tak ambil hati. Dan aku tak akan sesekali memalukan kamu dengan memujuk rayu. Tapi kalau nak "ON" balik tu, ada susah sikitlah. Bukan sebab aku ego, tapi aku dah "reprogramme" minda aku selepas kita break off tu. Kamu dah masuk "friend zone". Setakat nak berborak, datang rumah, pergi makan minum sekali sekala tu aku "ON" aja.
Sifat aku yang begini rupa-rupanya membuat ramai yang terluka. Aku minta maaf. Aku tak sengaja.
Dan aku nak kamu tahu, walaupun kamu mungkin tak akan percaya, kamu tetap istimewa........ :)
kamu tetap istimewa......3
Orang kata memang senang simpan orang yang kita sayang didalam hati tapi susah nak jadikan mereka yang kita benci penghuninya. Aku sangkah pendapat ini! Pada aku, senang juga nak simpan orang yang kita susah nak sayang dan sampai sekarang pun masih tak boleh nak sayang kat dalam hati.
Siapa kata hati kita ni hanya untuk benda-benda yang kita sayang aja? Kalau betullah hati kita ini macam itu, tentu tak akan ada perumpamaan-perumpamaan seperti, "makan hati", "sakit hati", "kecil hati" kan. Yang susahnya ialah untuk menyimpan mereka-mereka ini di dalam hati kita TANPA rasa "sakit hati", "iri hati", "makan hati", "kecil hati" dan sewaktu dengannya.
Aku pun seperti kamu - sering aja merasa macam-macam perasaan hati yang tak nyaman ini. Perasaan yang ada masanya memyemputkan jantungku, menghilangkan senyumku, "meng-serabutkan" dan mengkaburkan my outlook on life. Nasiblah aku ni masa zaman kanak-kanak dulu selalu aja bertemankan orang-orang tua. Mendengar butir bicara mereka. Dan ada diantara mereka-mereka ini yang rajin melayanku. Bapa, maktok, Pak Cik Rahman [guru mengajiku], Abang Sarip, Cikgu Mat, Ustaz Mazlan banyak menolong membentuk peribadiku.
Daripada mereka aku belajar untuk "put yourself in the other person's shoes". Juga biar rabun mata, jangan rabun hati, "ON"kan hati dan akal sebelum "ON"kan mulut, sebut astaghfirullahalazim dulu jika terasa mulut tu nak cakap yang bukan-bukan, senyum dan senyum dan senyum bila berkata-kata, dan banyak lagi. Mereka ini bukan sekadar memberi filosofi aja - mereka memberikan aku "manual" untuk mengaplikasikan semua ini sebab aku nampak nyata cara mereka berinteraksi dengan manusia.
Bila aku cakap, "tapi dia suka kacau Ijan! Menyampah!", mereka jawab bahawa sama aja aku dengan orang yang aku tak suka tu - dua-dua pun ada penyakit hati! THAT made me stop and engage my akal. Ye tak ye jugak....So, aku jadi insan "do not do unto others......." semampu mungkin. Yang kadang-kadang tergelincir, tersasar...namum selalunya cepat sedar. Kerana....AKU TAK NAK ADA PENYAKIT HATI!! Sampai sekarang aku masih berusaha supaya penyakit ini tidak merebak keseluruh sistem kawalan hidupku.
Jumpa pula dengan Deepak Chopra, James Redfield, Don Miguel Ruiz, Neale Donald Walsch dan segenre dengannya. Membuka lagi mindaku, hatiku. Aku tersangat sekular dalam pembacaanku. Mungkin kerana, pada masa itu, buku-buku agama dalam Bahasa Inggeris kurang sangat kat Malaysia ni. Yang dalam Bahasa Melayu, aku pula yang tak berapa nak faham [pada masa itulah].
Cerita mereka sama aja. It's all about love. Lalu aku pun belajar betapa luasnya definisi cinta. Betapa luasnya hati aku ini. Bahawa hati aku ini akan tetap meluas bila perlu. Tiada batasan. Yang pasti, semua ini telah diajarkan kepadaku sejak aku kanak-kanak hingusan lagi. Cuma tidak dibukukan oleh sifu-sifuku yang terdahulu.
Aku belajar mendengar tanpa bicara. Aku belajar mendengar tanpa censor. Aku belajar mendengar tanpa memberi pendapat. Aku belajar mendengar bukan hanya dengan telinga. Dalam proses ini, aku juga rupa-rupanya belajar "mendengar" tanpa lisan dari si pemberitahu.
Lalu aku mampu menikmati rasa kasihan, to see the humour in life's disasters. Mampu menerima kutukan tanpa menjelaskan apa-apa. Mampu melihat kesalahan dan kekurangan diri. Mampu untuk menjarakkan rationale dari emosi.
Mampu menerima manusia seadanya. Mampu menjadikan insan-insan yang tak suka aku dan yang aku tak suka tetap istimewa dan menghuni ruang hatiku. Kerana mereka juga telah mewarnakan hidupku dengan cara mereka yang tersendiri. Tanpa mereka, aku tak akan mungkin tahu tentang kekurangan diri ini dimata insan lain. Mereka telah menolong aku membuat "markers" dalam usaha membina jatidiri.
Aku belajar untuk tidak membenci.
Kamu-kamu yang aku tak suka, juga kamu-kamu yang tak suka aku......kamu tetap istimewa..... :)
Siapa kata hati kita ni hanya untuk benda-benda yang kita sayang aja? Kalau betullah hati kita ini macam itu, tentu tak akan ada perumpamaan-perumpamaan seperti, "makan hati", "sakit hati", "kecil hati" kan. Yang susahnya ialah untuk menyimpan mereka-mereka ini di dalam hati kita TANPA rasa "sakit hati", "iri hati", "makan hati", "kecil hati" dan sewaktu dengannya.
Aku pun seperti kamu - sering aja merasa macam-macam perasaan hati yang tak nyaman ini. Perasaan yang ada masanya memyemputkan jantungku, menghilangkan senyumku, "meng-serabutkan" dan mengkaburkan my outlook on life. Nasiblah aku ni masa zaman kanak-kanak dulu selalu aja bertemankan orang-orang tua. Mendengar butir bicara mereka. Dan ada diantara mereka-mereka ini yang rajin melayanku. Bapa, maktok, Pak Cik Rahman [guru mengajiku], Abang Sarip, Cikgu Mat, Ustaz Mazlan banyak menolong membentuk peribadiku.
Daripada mereka aku belajar untuk "put yourself in the other person's shoes". Juga biar rabun mata, jangan rabun hati, "ON"kan hati dan akal sebelum "ON"kan mulut, sebut astaghfirullahalazim dulu jika terasa mulut tu nak cakap yang bukan-bukan, senyum dan senyum dan senyum bila berkata-kata, dan banyak lagi. Mereka ini bukan sekadar memberi filosofi aja - mereka memberikan aku "manual" untuk mengaplikasikan semua ini sebab aku nampak nyata cara mereka berinteraksi dengan manusia.
Bila aku cakap, "tapi dia suka kacau Ijan! Menyampah!", mereka jawab bahawa sama aja aku dengan orang yang aku tak suka tu - dua-dua pun ada penyakit hati! THAT made me stop and engage my akal. Ye tak ye jugak....So, aku jadi insan "do not do unto others......." semampu mungkin. Yang kadang-kadang tergelincir, tersasar...namum selalunya cepat sedar. Kerana....AKU TAK NAK ADA PENYAKIT HATI!! Sampai sekarang aku masih berusaha supaya penyakit ini tidak merebak keseluruh sistem kawalan hidupku.
Jumpa pula dengan Deepak Chopra, James Redfield, Don Miguel Ruiz, Neale Donald Walsch dan segenre dengannya. Membuka lagi mindaku, hatiku. Aku tersangat sekular dalam pembacaanku. Mungkin kerana, pada masa itu, buku-buku agama dalam Bahasa Inggeris kurang sangat kat Malaysia ni. Yang dalam Bahasa Melayu, aku pula yang tak berapa nak faham [pada masa itulah].
Cerita mereka sama aja. It's all about love. Lalu aku pun belajar betapa luasnya definisi cinta. Betapa luasnya hati aku ini. Bahawa hati aku ini akan tetap meluas bila perlu. Tiada batasan. Yang pasti, semua ini telah diajarkan kepadaku sejak aku kanak-kanak hingusan lagi. Cuma tidak dibukukan oleh sifu-sifuku yang terdahulu.
Aku belajar mendengar tanpa bicara. Aku belajar mendengar tanpa censor. Aku belajar mendengar tanpa memberi pendapat. Aku belajar mendengar bukan hanya dengan telinga. Dalam proses ini, aku juga rupa-rupanya belajar "mendengar" tanpa lisan dari si pemberitahu.
Lalu aku mampu menikmati rasa kasihan, to see the humour in life's disasters. Mampu menerima kutukan tanpa menjelaskan apa-apa. Mampu melihat kesalahan dan kekurangan diri. Mampu untuk menjarakkan rationale dari emosi.
Mampu menerima manusia seadanya. Mampu menjadikan insan-insan yang tak suka aku dan yang aku tak suka tetap istimewa dan menghuni ruang hatiku. Kerana mereka juga telah mewarnakan hidupku dengan cara mereka yang tersendiri. Tanpa mereka, aku tak akan mungkin tahu tentang kekurangan diri ini dimata insan lain. Mereka telah menolong aku membuat "markers" dalam usaha membina jatidiri.
Aku belajar untuk tidak membenci.
Kamu-kamu yang aku tak suka, juga kamu-kamu yang tak suka aku......kamu tetap istimewa..... :)
Monday 14 January 2013
kamu tetap istimewa....2
Semalam aku bercakap tentang bila aku ditinggalkan. Bagaimana aku masih mampu untuk tidak berdendam, tidak membenci, tidak merasa diriku seolah-olah tidak bernilai lagi. Bahawa aku masih utuh menyayangi walaupun aku ditolak ketepi.
Padaku itu semua kisah-kisah jalan hidup yang aku harus tempuhi. Kerana jalan itu adalah jalan yang aku sendiri pilih semasa aku belum lagi hadir di dunia ini. Aku yakin dengan takdir. Aku yakin dengan janji Allah. JanjiNya yang aku tidak akan sesekali dibebankan dengan apa saja yang aku tidak dapat menangani.
Janji inilah yang aku pegang. Allah tidak akan sesekali menipuku. Dia yang menciptaku. Tentu sekali Dia sayang padaku. Dan Dia juga telah dengan terang lagi bersuluh mengatakan bahawa Dia sentiasa ada disisiku. Tanpa lelah. Tanpa jemu. Tanpa menghukum....selagi aku belum berdiri didepanNya disuatu waktu yang pasti akan tiba.
Ini semualah yang membuatkan aku mampu tersenyum. After all, aku percaya, bahawa akulah yang memilih untuk menjalani hidupku begini. Memilih untuk melalui detik-detik ini. Mungkin semasa aku terapung-apung di alam yang aku sudah lupa bila saja hadir di dunia ini, aku berfikir bahawa aku ini sakti. Mampu melalui kekecewaan seberat ini. Mampu menangani segala perit jerih hidup dan masih berdiri megah. Mampu untuk tidak merasa lemah dan kalah.
Di alam yang tidak bertepi itu aku melihat hidupku dari perspektif yang berbeza. Di situ, disaat itu, kiraan detik waktu tidak sama. Mana mungkin aku tahu bahawa sedetik di alam itu begitu lama bila diukur dengan detik waktu dunia zahir ini! Mungkin semasa aku melihat kehidupanku semasa berada di alam itu, aku begitu bongkak dan percaya bahawa aku mampu menjalani hidup berjasad dengan segala dugaannya - dugaan yang aku sendiri pohon dari Dia.
Dan Allah yang bersifat maha pengasih dan penyayang itu melepaskan aku ke dunia ini. Dia memberikan aku peluang merasa segala apa yang aku ingin rasakan. Dan Dia membekalkan aku dengan janjinya bahawa Dia senantiasa ada, setiap detik, untuk menolongku. Tidak akan membiarkanku terumbang ambing sendirian jika aku memerlukan bantuan. Aku hanya perlu meminta saja.......
.....dengan peringatan ini...."Penciptaku tentu lebih tahu tentang diriku. Dan tentu tahu apa yang terbaik untukku. Dan tentu sekali tahu jika apa yang aku minta itu adalah apa yang aku amat perlukan pada saat itu. Dan cara Dia memberi aku apa yang aku pinta mungkin tidak dapat aku fahami. Tapi aku mesti yakin bahawa caraNya, waktuNya, pemberianNya pasti yang terbaik untukku."
Aku akur dengan semua ini.
Kerana janjiNya, dan penerimaanku, aku pun jadi sakti!
Padaku itu semua kisah-kisah jalan hidup yang aku harus tempuhi. Kerana jalan itu adalah jalan yang aku sendiri pilih semasa aku belum lagi hadir di dunia ini. Aku yakin dengan takdir. Aku yakin dengan janji Allah. JanjiNya yang aku tidak akan sesekali dibebankan dengan apa saja yang aku tidak dapat menangani.
Janji inilah yang aku pegang. Allah tidak akan sesekali menipuku. Dia yang menciptaku. Tentu sekali Dia sayang padaku. Dan Dia juga telah dengan terang lagi bersuluh mengatakan bahawa Dia sentiasa ada disisiku. Tanpa lelah. Tanpa jemu. Tanpa menghukum....selagi aku belum berdiri didepanNya disuatu waktu yang pasti akan tiba.
Ini semualah yang membuatkan aku mampu tersenyum. After all, aku percaya, bahawa akulah yang memilih untuk menjalani hidupku begini. Memilih untuk melalui detik-detik ini. Mungkin semasa aku terapung-apung di alam yang aku sudah lupa bila saja hadir di dunia ini, aku berfikir bahawa aku ini sakti. Mampu melalui kekecewaan seberat ini. Mampu menangani segala perit jerih hidup dan masih berdiri megah. Mampu untuk tidak merasa lemah dan kalah.
Di alam yang tidak bertepi itu aku melihat hidupku dari perspektif yang berbeza. Di situ, disaat itu, kiraan detik waktu tidak sama. Mana mungkin aku tahu bahawa sedetik di alam itu begitu lama bila diukur dengan detik waktu dunia zahir ini! Mungkin semasa aku melihat kehidupanku semasa berada di alam itu, aku begitu bongkak dan percaya bahawa aku mampu menjalani hidup berjasad dengan segala dugaannya - dugaan yang aku sendiri pohon dari Dia.
Dan Allah yang bersifat maha pengasih dan penyayang itu melepaskan aku ke dunia ini. Dia memberikan aku peluang merasa segala apa yang aku ingin rasakan. Dan Dia membekalkan aku dengan janjinya bahawa Dia senantiasa ada, setiap detik, untuk menolongku. Tidak akan membiarkanku terumbang ambing sendirian jika aku memerlukan bantuan. Aku hanya perlu meminta saja.......
.....dengan peringatan ini...."Penciptaku tentu lebih tahu tentang diriku. Dan tentu tahu apa yang terbaik untukku. Dan tentu sekali tahu jika apa yang aku minta itu adalah apa yang aku amat perlukan pada saat itu. Dan cara Dia memberi aku apa yang aku pinta mungkin tidak dapat aku fahami. Tapi aku mesti yakin bahawa caraNya, waktuNya, pemberianNya pasti yang terbaik untukku."
Aku akur dengan semua ini.
Kerana janjiNya, dan penerimaanku, aku pun jadi sakti!
Sunday 13 January 2013
kamu tetap istimewa.....
Aku suka memerhati orang. Memerhati dengan mata, juga dengan hati. Cuba memerhati semua insan-insan yang hadir didalam hidupku ini. Tak kira samada mereka itu aku kenali atau tidak. Yang pasti, mereka memasuki orbitku. Aku yakin, terrrrrrrlalu yakin bahawa semua yang menembusi tembok dan lepas masuk kedalam duniaku, dalam sedar atau sebaliknya, semua dihadirkan pasti dengan misi-misi sendiri. Yang selalunya menjadi tandatanya bagiku.
Kenapa mereka hadir di sini? Apa yang aku sepatutnya dapat dengan kehadiran mereka ini? Apa yang aku dapat titipkan untuk mereka supaya kehadiran mereka di duniaku ini tidak hanya sia-sia? Aku sungguh-sungguh percaya bahawa there is no coincidence in life. Semuanya direncanakan. Semuanya bersebab. Tidak ada satu pun yang sebaliknya. Tidak ada satu pun yang sia-sia.
Aku juga pasti yang semuanya hadir atas dasar cinta. Hanya definisi cinta itu berbeda. Manusia lebih terbiasa dengan cinta persis Romeo-Juliet, Laila-Majnun, dan segenre dengannya. Cinta yang dibilang agung, teristimewa, tiada tandingannya. Dan cinta persis ini menjadi model kepada si Adam dan si Hawa diseluruh dunia. Tidak kira bangsa, agama, asal usul, miskin kaya, usia. Hampir semua berkehendak akan cinta sebegini. Cinta setia sampai mati, tidak bisa mencintai selain dari "dia" - hanya "dia" sepanjang hayat di dunia, juga di akhirat nanti. Teringat lirik lagu dari Bon Jovi, "I'd live and I'd die for you, I'd steal the sun from the sky for you, words can't say what love can do, I'll be there for you" - jiwang to the max!
Dan aku tersenyum. Kenapa? Sebab aku selalu terfikir yang Allah swt menganugerahkan kita semua hati dan jantung. Yang tersangat kritikal untuk hidup sejahtera. Jantung mengepam darah keseluruh badan. Dan ia berdebar bila teruja. Hati pula, technically, ialah liver - yang mempunyai fungsi yang tersendiri. Cuma kita selalu mengambil tafsir hati=heart. Di sinilah, pada tafsiran inilah, bermula segala cerita suka duka cinta. Cerita cinta antara si Adam dan si Hawa. Yang dipenuhi dengan jantung berdebar, hati berbunga.......
Siapa yang tidak suka bercinta! Aku pun suka. Cuma definisiku mungkin agak berbeda.
Walaupun aku ini suka membaca, melihat, mendengar, memerhati cerita-cerita cinta, aku tetap tidak dapat "merasa" seperti yang ramai orang lain rasa. Akal aku ini selalu saja masuk kedalam kisah-kisah cintaku! Bukan sekadar berbisik tapi kadangkalanya akal aku itu menjerit sambil menampar-nampar hatiku! Yang selalunya menoktahkan kisah cintaku.
Akalku ini bagai tidak mengerti bahawa orang selalu berkata, "follow your heart...wherever it may lead you". Ia tetap hendak berkuasa! Selalu sangat berkata, "Yea...fine. Follow your heart. But remember, Allah gave you a brain for a reason okay." Party pooper betul!!
Mungkin juga kerana akalku ini, aku tidak pernah berseteru dengan mantan-mantanku, juga dengan insan-insan yang mengisi ruang-ruang hati yang aku kosongkan. Cuma, ada diantara mereka yang tegar berpatah arang, membakar jambatan. Entah apa yang ditakutkan. You broke my heart lah konon. Kenapa aku pula tidak pernah merasa begitu bila aku ditinggalkan?
Kerana, pada aku:
"hanya kerana orang yang kamu cintai mencintai orang lain, lalu meninggalkan kamu untuk selalu bersama dengan cinta barunya, itu tidak bermakna ia tidak memerlukan kamu didalam ruang-ruang istimewa didalam hidupnya. Ruang-ruang yang hanya untuk kamu - kerana kamu yang dahulu mengenalinya, rapat dengannya, memahaminya, menerimanya seadanya, yang sentiasa hadir untuknya.
Ruang istimewa yang hanya kamu saja yang punya. Cintanya yang sekarang pun tidak akan boleh menjadi penghuni ruang ini - bukan hanya kerana kamu yang terdahulu, tetapi hanya kerana kamu adalah kamu. Kerana insan lain tidak akan mungkin menjadi kamu. Dan tidak mungkin akan seistimewa kamu.
Itu saja."
Jadi, percayalah bila aku berkata, "kamu tetap istimewa"...... :)
Kenapa mereka hadir di sini? Apa yang aku sepatutnya dapat dengan kehadiran mereka ini? Apa yang aku dapat titipkan untuk mereka supaya kehadiran mereka di duniaku ini tidak hanya sia-sia? Aku sungguh-sungguh percaya bahawa there is no coincidence in life. Semuanya direncanakan. Semuanya bersebab. Tidak ada satu pun yang sebaliknya. Tidak ada satu pun yang sia-sia.
Aku juga pasti yang semuanya hadir atas dasar cinta. Hanya definisi cinta itu berbeda. Manusia lebih terbiasa dengan cinta persis Romeo-Juliet, Laila-Majnun, dan segenre dengannya. Cinta yang dibilang agung, teristimewa, tiada tandingannya. Dan cinta persis ini menjadi model kepada si Adam dan si Hawa diseluruh dunia. Tidak kira bangsa, agama, asal usul, miskin kaya, usia. Hampir semua berkehendak akan cinta sebegini. Cinta setia sampai mati, tidak bisa mencintai selain dari "dia" - hanya "dia" sepanjang hayat di dunia, juga di akhirat nanti. Teringat lirik lagu dari Bon Jovi, "I'd live and I'd die for you, I'd steal the sun from the sky for you, words can't say what love can do, I'll be there for you" - jiwang to the max!
Dan aku tersenyum. Kenapa? Sebab aku selalu terfikir yang Allah swt menganugerahkan kita semua hati dan jantung. Yang tersangat kritikal untuk hidup sejahtera. Jantung mengepam darah keseluruh badan. Dan ia berdebar bila teruja. Hati pula, technically, ialah liver - yang mempunyai fungsi yang tersendiri. Cuma kita selalu mengambil tafsir hati=heart. Di sinilah, pada tafsiran inilah, bermula segala cerita suka duka cinta. Cerita cinta antara si Adam dan si Hawa. Yang dipenuhi dengan jantung berdebar, hati berbunga.......
Siapa yang tidak suka bercinta! Aku pun suka. Cuma definisiku mungkin agak berbeda.
Walaupun aku ini suka membaca, melihat, mendengar, memerhati cerita-cerita cinta, aku tetap tidak dapat "merasa" seperti yang ramai orang lain rasa. Akal aku ini selalu saja masuk kedalam kisah-kisah cintaku! Bukan sekadar berbisik tapi kadangkalanya akal aku itu menjerit sambil menampar-nampar hatiku! Yang selalunya menoktahkan kisah cintaku.
Akalku ini bagai tidak mengerti bahawa orang selalu berkata, "follow your heart...wherever it may lead you". Ia tetap hendak berkuasa! Selalu sangat berkata, "Yea...fine. Follow your heart. But remember, Allah gave you a brain for a reason okay." Party pooper betul!!
Mungkin juga kerana akalku ini, aku tidak pernah berseteru dengan mantan-mantanku, juga dengan insan-insan yang mengisi ruang-ruang hati yang aku kosongkan. Cuma, ada diantara mereka yang tegar berpatah arang, membakar jambatan. Entah apa yang ditakutkan. You broke my heart lah konon. Kenapa aku pula tidak pernah merasa begitu bila aku ditinggalkan?
Kerana, pada aku:
"hanya kerana orang yang kamu cintai mencintai orang lain, lalu meninggalkan kamu untuk selalu bersama dengan cinta barunya, itu tidak bermakna ia tidak memerlukan kamu didalam ruang-ruang istimewa didalam hidupnya. Ruang-ruang yang hanya untuk kamu - kerana kamu yang dahulu mengenalinya, rapat dengannya, memahaminya, menerimanya seadanya, yang sentiasa hadir untuknya.
Ruang istimewa yang hanya kamu saja yang punya. Cintanya yang sekarang pun tidak akan boleh menjadi penghuni ruang ini - bukan hanya kerana kamu yang terdahulu, tetapi hanya kerana kamu adalah kamu. Kerana insan lain tidak akan mungkin menjadi kamu. Dan tidak mungkin akan seistimewa kamu.
Itu saja."
Jadi, percayalah bila aku berkata, "kamu tetap istimewa"...... :)
Friday 11 January 2013
aku kagum dengan kamu....
aku tak mampu melangkah
seperti kamu
aku tak mampu bertingkah
seperti kamu
aku tak mampu melaung
seperti kamu
aku memang tak mampu
tapi aku tetap mampu
mendoakan kamu
aku tetap mampu
menyokong kamu
aku tetap mampu
tersenyum bangga dengan perjuanganmu
tetap percaya kamu pasti berjaya
beraninya kamu!
kentalnya semangatmu!
gagahnya langkah kamu!
murninya niat kamu!
ini pertaruhan iman
ini pertaruhan nyawa
ini peperangan!
dengan diri...juga...
dengan mereka-mereka
yang mewujudkan neraka dunia
dengan sengaja
kamu tahu kamu tidak akan menang
sekarang
kamu tahu kamu serba kurang
sekarang
kamu hanya ada batu, mereka ada peluru
sekarang
namun kamu tetap maju, tak menyerah!
sekarang,
esok, lusa...selamanya!
aku kagum dengan kamu!
Tuesday 8 January 2013
betulkah kita sama?
apa makna lapar
bagi kita yang selalu kenyang
selalu saja buang, bazir
apa makna perang
bagi kita yang selalu merasa senang
damai, tenang
apa makna keadilan
bagi kita yang selalu kenyang, senang
buang, bazir, damai, tenang
apa makna itu semua
bagi kita yang selalu melihat
tapi tidak merasa
apa yang kita juangkan
apa kita betul tau apa yang kita laungkan
apa kita mampu merasa
apa yang mereka terpaksa
apa...kita betul berani
berjuang apa yang mereka laung, juang
betulkah kita ini
sama seperti mereka?
.........
siapa aku??
siapa aku dimata kamu?
itu tak penting
remeh!
siapa aku dimata aku?
bingung
aku tak tahu!
siapa aku dimata Dia?
selagi bernyawa
aku takkan mungkin tahu!
perlu mati
perlu hidup dialam mati
baru tau siapa aku
...........
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