bukan senang nak jadi baik....2

        I remember mak's "rules" on fights/bickerings for us siblings:
1.  no shouting/raised voices
2.  no physical abuse
3.  no bad words. In mak's case, labelling someone as "bodoh" is considered "bad".
Imagine trying to fight with these rules strictly enforced!! So we got pretty good at being sarcastic as in applying "bahasa berkias", witty and putting a sweet face on when throwing insults. I didn't realise how useful this training was until I reached adulthood. Due to this, we siblings hardly bickered as it wasn't "fun". The neighbours were always amazed at mak's ability to "keep the peace" in our home with at least 4 boys there to wrought havoc. And mak made sure we applied these rules out of the home, too. My brothers broke these rules at times but we girls NEVER did...because mak always reminded us that, "Perempuan tak bercakap kasar. Betina aja yang macam tu". This and bapa's constant reminder to "jaga niat" shaped my personality to a large extent.
        I have a fiery nature and never turned down a fight as a kid. Despite the long hair and angelic look, I was even more of a boy than my brother who is a year older than me. I was the one tasked with clambering over the school gate to wake up the guard for one. To this day, I marvel at the fact that I never once got hurt by the barbed wires placed on top of the school gate...not even a little nick! But, no matter how hard I fought with the boys, I didn't call them names or spew expletives. And I NEVER fight with the girls....so much so I became their "saviour" when they got teased by the boys. I also became every shy/timid/nerd boy's best friend.
        These characteristics served me well in my adult life. I learnt to be patient most times...sempat beristighfar dulu sebelum menjawab...and to walk away from mindless arguments. Whenever I needed to put my stand across, I just do it rationally. I didn't care much if I had support - I just said whatever needed to be said. Those closest to me know that if they want an honest opinion, they're likely to get it from me. I learnt to listen and feel. For some reason, I'm blessed with this ability to "feel". And I easily accept people's opinions even if I don't agree. It doesn't mean I'll follow though - and this gave rise to a lot of misunderstandings between me and my peers. Many assumed that my agreement came along with my acceptance! It took a while for them to accept that "acceptance" doesn't mean "agree" and to adopt the mantra "agree to disagree".
        Bapa's "jaga niat" advice certainly served me well...then...and now. I had to work at keeping my niat "clean and pure" so to speak. NOT EASY for this fiery soul! The number of times I bit my tongue, walked away from heated moments, bowed down to "opposing" forces, maintained an unwavering smile when I felt like spitting in someone's face...so much so that some labelled me spineless, coward etc. "You ni mengalah sangat! Apasal you tak cakap aje kat dia...", was something I heard time and time again. But this "mengalah tapi tak bermakna kalah" was what kept the sillaturrahim. As time passed, this statement became intertwined with, "You ni malaikat hiduplah". Huh...me...malaikat??? Nope...there were times when my "baser" side got the better of me...when my daughters were unjustly insulted was one occassion. The person learnt to never do that again!
        How did I tame my natural instinct to insult someone back for instance? I wrote letters...in which I poured my feelings and emotions. I literally emptied all my emotions into these letters until I felt relieved. And then I smiled and burnt these letters...and all is well again. I cried if I had to cry. I jogged, swam, cycled to expend my negative energy. Thank goodness I never felt the urge to binge! Food was never in the equation as I was brought up to view food with reverence. Food is meant to be savoured and "tasted" and appreciated. So I don't eat well when I'm angry/depressed etc.
        So the face I presented to the world was, oftentimes, a happy one. Many thought that I didn't have a care in this life. Many said, "I wish I were you - no problems, always smiling". Many also said, "Oh, you wouldn't know how bad life is. You've never been tested". And these statements were, oftentimes, from folks who didn't want to know about me. And I would leave it at that. I'd even stop well-intentioned close buddies from telling them about my life's experiences. As far as I'm concerned, it's not important that others know. I learnt to hide my sufferings...only talking to God or the very few close friends (and that, too, when prompted).
       God...Allah...is always present in my life although I wasn't diligent in my prayers etc. I was always talking to Him. He is my best buddy...the only one I trust to listen well, to not judge me harshly, to give me guidance, to help me at all times, to always know the real me...I converse, write, rant about whatever irks me just with Him....because I know He knows me better than anyone or even I know myself. Every time I needed an answer, He gave it to me. His ways may be unexpected at times...but He always answers me. There was this one time when I wanted to know about 3 things. I wrote myself a note to check on these when I had some free time. Within hours, a friend called up to invite me to an usrah. Normally, I would say no to this friend but on this occassion I said yes immediately - without thinking actually. So there I was at this crowded hall. We were told to write down our queries and to pass it on to this person tasked with collecting them. I wrote down mine but for some reason, I didn't pass it on. Imagine my surprise when 2 folks asked the very questions in my mind. What was even more surprising was noone asked about the third matter that I had in mind, but the ustaz actually talked about it! Hence, my 3 queries were answered! This sort of thing happened many, many times in my life...and is still happening to this day.....

[...to be continued...]